No Time Like the Presents/Transcript
Hank Yarbo: Oh, oh, man. Something woke me up earlier this morning. Lacey Burrows: They should have daylight savings in this province. Davis Quinton: Nah, it's better for the farmers this way. Hank: Yeah, I'm with Lacey. Do that spring back, fall forward thing. Lacey: No, it's spring forward, fall back. Hank: But then you're right back where you started. Davis: You go an hour ahead in the spring, so, spring ahead, fall forward. Lacey: No, then you'd just be going forward. Hank: Yeah, that's the idea. Lacey: You have to go back in the fall. Hank: Back fall, spring back? Davis: Now you're getting it. Lacey: No wonder this hasn't caught on there. It's obviously too complicated. Hank: OK, let's walk her through this again. Davis: This time, focus. Brent (phone): Hello. Hank (phone): Where are you? I need gas. Brent (phone): It's eight in the morning. Hank (phone): Nine by my watch. I'm on daylight savings time now. Brent (phone): Well, your daylight savings time is cutting into my Brent likes sleeping time. Hank (phone): It's awesome. It's lighter at night, you save on electricity, you know, win-win. Brent (phone): No, win-win implies that both side win. This is more like win-annoy. Hank (phone): I'm not annoyed. I mean, I can't get gas but...hey, you should switch over, stop living in the past. Brent (phone): How about instead, I buy you breakfast? And in exchange, you never phone me before work again. Hank (phone): Deal. Brent (phone): Hmm. Hank (phone): What time? Brent (phone): In an hour. Hank (phone): So, now? Wanda Dollard: Hey, guys. This is my cousin, Nora. She's just passing through town on her way to B.C. Oh, this is my friend Davis, and this is my friend Karen and this is Lacey. Karen Pelly: Hi, how are you? Wanda: Well, I should show Nora the rest of Dog River. It should be the most exciting three minutes of her life. All: Ha, ha, ha, ha. Wanda: OK, well, see you later guys. C'mon. Lacey: That was weird. Davis: Yeah, who names their kid Nora? Lacey: No, she introduced Davis as a friend and you as a friend and me just as Lacey. Karen: That is weird. Davis and Wanda aren't friends. Davis: We're no? Lacey: And why wouldn't she introduce me as her friend? You know? Davis: Maybe you're not Wanda's friend. I just found out I'm not. Karen: I'm sure it's nothing. She probably didn't feel the need to spell it out, that's all. Lacey: Ah yeah, you're probably right. Wanda and I are friends. Davis: Yeah. It's either that or she really doesn't like you and now you're embarrassed because you've been lying to yourself about the friends you've made here. But it's probably Karen's thing. Emma Leroy: Well, it's done. Oscar Leroy: It better be. What's done? Emma: My Christmas shopping. Oscar: Christmas? It's July, woman! Emma: Well, I wanted to get a jump on it. Remember last year? Emma: It's the 24th and I haven't started shopping. Oscar: It's the 24th of September, woman. Emma: Yeah, but I wanted to get a jump on it. Remember last year? Emma: It's Christmas Day and I haven't bought a thing. Brent: We just opened our gifts. Emma: No, I mean for next year. Oscar: At least wait until September, woman. Oscar: I don't know why you bother. Last year, all you got people were crappy socks. Emma: That's because I left it too late. Hank: Hey, thought we were meeting for breakfast at ten? Brent: Ten my time. What'd you think? Hank: I was over there at ten your time. Brent: I meant ten your time. What'd you think? Hank: I think you should just avoid confusion and just move ahead an hour like me. Wanda: You're ahead an hour? What's the future like? Do I get replaced by a robot? Brent: How do we know you're not already a robot? Wanda: It's ridiculous. Foolish human. I mean... Hank: Robots don't replace us, they enslave us. Wanda: So, Brent's a robot. Hank: You guys really don't understand this daylight savings time, do you? Oscar: Hey, coppers. Wanna know what you're getting for Christmas? Karen: A promise you'll never call us coppers again? Oscar: Emma's done all her Christmas shopping. Ten bucks and I'll tell you what you got. Davis: I don't have ten bucks. I can lend you my nightstick for a couple days. Karen: Just don't hit anyone with it. Oscar: I can't promise that. Davis: Just don't hit us with it. Oscar: OK. You're getting oven mitts. Davis: That's it? Karen: What am I getting? Oscar: Is this your nightstick? Davis: But I already have oven mitts. Oscar: Not my problem, ow. Does this leave any kind of mark? Karen: I'll let you wear my hat for the rest of the week. Oscar: Deal! You're getting one of those things that hook over your shower head to hold your shampoo bottles. Karen: That sucks. Davis: That is pretty bad. Karen: Better than oven mitts. Davis: I don't think so. Oscar: Geez, you got a big head! Wanda: Brent's not here. Lacey: No biggie. So what if both my Corner Gas friends aren't around. Right? Wanda: Mmm-hmm. Lacey: So you agree, both of us are friends? Wanda: Why, who said you and Brent weren't friends? Lacey: No, some people weren't sure if you and I were friends. Can you believe it? Wanda: Man, Japan is way ahead of us in robot technology. Lacey: Totally. Anyway, what would you say to those people, who think we're not friends? Wanda: Same thing as you probably. Damn! We should at least have a robot that pumps gas. Lacey: Yeah, so I'll talk to you later, friend. Davis: Oh, Emma, what a surprise. Emma: What, that my doorbell rang when you pressed it? Davis: No, I was just walking by when I thought "maybe Emma would like some extra casserole." Emma: Oh, so you were walking around with a casserole. Davis: Well, I had to cool it off. It was very hot. No, no that I could tell, wearing these amazing oven mitts. Which I already own. Emma: Well, it does look good. Davis: Yes, and these oven mitts are good too. Emma: Ah, they look a little worn if you ask me. Davis: Ah, you wanna see worn? You should see my TV. Sure could use a new one of those. Big screen, plasma, maybe. Well, see you later. Emma: Don't I get the casserole? Davis: Oh, I guess. Emma: Oh. Hank: Hey, what's the lunch special? Lacey: BLT and fries, but I don't start serving that until noon. Hank: But it's 12:30, oh, right, I forgot. I'm three hours ahead. Lacey: If you're on daylight savings time, you're only one hour ahead. Hank: Yeah, I know, but this morning I woke up at seven and couldn't get back to sleep. So, I moved my watch ahead two hours and got up at nine. And you know, I'll tell ya, it felt good to sleep in. Lacey: You know Hank, I try and stick up for you but you make it so hard. Hank: I appreciate the effort. Hey, could I borrow some money for lunch? Brent: First of all, no. Second of all, no. And third of all, it's 9:30 in the morning. Lacey: He's moved ahead three hours. Brent: What is with you? Hank: What's the big deal? The whole east coast is three hours ahead. I don't see you ragging on them. Brent: You ever think of moving there? Save us all a lot of trouble. Lacey: Haven't they suffered enough? Brent: Actually, it is too bad that you changed your time again because I was gonna lend you money for lunch. Hank: But you said just now you wouldn't. Brent: Just now my time. You're three hours ahead, I don't have the money then. Hank: Damn. Wanda (phone): Corner Gas. Lacey (phone): Hey, ya. Wanda (phone): Hello? Lacey (phone): It's me, Lacey. Whatcha doing? Wanda (phone): Working. Lacey (phone): Me too. How's work? Wanda (phone): A thrill a minute. Lacey (phone): Did you have lunch? I didn't see you come in here. Wanda (phone): I brought it from home. Lacey (phone): Cool. Whatcha have? Wanda (phone): Do you need something? Lacey (phone): No. No, no, I just called to chat, you know, like a...what do you call those people you phone you just to chat? Wanda (phone): You don't wanna know what I call them. Lacey (phone): Ha, ha, oh Wanda, you're a riot! But I guess we're such good friends, we can joke around like that. Wanda (phone): OK, well, gotta go. Lacey (phone): OK, but you hand up first. OK, bye. Oscar: License and registration. Emma: Oscar? Oscar: Oh, hey, Emma! Didn't expect to see you here. Emma: Coming out of our house? Why do you have that guilty look on your face? Oscar: That's my angry face, you got it confused. Emma: What are you so angry about? Oscar: You being so nosy? What's in the bag? Emma: Well, I'm returning Davis' gift. Turns out he already has oven mitts. Apparently, he just loves them. Oscar: Really, so what are you getting him instead? Emma: Oh, one of those day timer, planner thingies. Oscar: Ah, good to know. Emma: Why? Oscar: So I don't get him the same thing. See you later. Emma: Why is there a cop hat in my rose bush? Wanda: Have you noticed anything different about Lacey lately? Karen: Too upbeat, a little needy, overly fastidious. Nope, same old Lacey. Wanda: Nah, she's more needy than usual. She's hanging off me like an orphan chimp. Let's do stuff. Let's have lunch. Let's do stuff. It's weird. Karen: Well, you know sometimes you take people for granted. Wanda: I do not. Karen: Like the other day with your cousin Nora Wanda: I have a cousin Nora? Karen: Yeah, and you introduced me and Davis to her as your friends but not Lacey. Wanda: Oh, Nora. I thought it was Myrna. Karen: Wanda. Wanda: All right, I'll talk to Lacey. Nora? Davis: Hey, you guys want to watch UFC at the bar tonight? Brent: What time is it on? Davis: Says here, nine Pacific. Hank: So, midnight my time? Brent: No, one in the morning your time. Davis: Why, what's Pacific compared to us? Brent: An hour behind. Davis: So, ten our time. Brent: Yeah, but Hank's three hours ahead. Hank: Same time zone at the Atlantic provinces. Davis: But it's not being broadcast in the Atlantic provinces. Hank: Great, now how am I supposed to watch it? Davis: With us, at nine. Brent: Ten to be specific, nine to be Pacific. Davis: I thought he was Atlantic. Hank: Man, let's just rent a movie. Emma: I think Oscar's telling people what I'm getting them for Christmas. Lacey: Oh, that is just so sad. Emma: I know, he's got nothing better to do. Lacey: No, I mean you buying all your gifts in July. Woman, relax. Emma: Well, at least I know who my friends are. Wanda: Hey there, pal. Emma: Hi Wanda. Lacey: I was talking to Lacey. Emma: Oh. Lacey: Really? Wanda: Just came to check in on my buddy. My bosom buddy, and pal and chummy, old cohort. Lacey: So...whatcha doing? Wanda: Well, I should go now. Now that I've said a friendly hello, to you, a friend. Lacey: OK. Wanda: OK. Lacey: Bye. We're friends. Emma: I gathered. Davis: Looks like my oven mitt trick worked with Emma. Karen: You have an oven mitt trick? Davis: More of a skit, really. I pretended that I love my oven mitts, though I didn't have to pretend much. Comes from a real place. Karen: You did all that to avoid a Christmas gift? Davis: It was worth it. Now Emma's getting me a day timer. Kinda hoping for a TV but day timer's good, my second choice. Karen: How do you know you're getting a day timer? Davis: I struck a deal with Oscar. Oscar: See this badge? It's your worst nightmare, punk. Emma: Oscar, what are you doing in there? Oscar: Ah, ah, I'll, I'll be right out. Karen: Wow, day timer's way better than a shampoo bottle holder. Davis: No kidding. You should come up with a skit. Karen: Oh, hi Emma, here I am. I haven't forgotten. Emma: What's this about? Karen: We're supposed to meet for coffee, right? Emma: I don't think so. Karen: Oh, dentist, no. Oops, forgot my Mom's birthday. Uh, oh, oh, here it is. It says, "Coffee on the 12th with E." Uh, the rest of the name was ripped off. Emma: It's the 11th and how do you know I'm "E?" You should get yourself better organized. Karen: If only I had some timing of days book to keep it straight. Davis has got one. He finds it really handy. Emma: Davis has a day timer? Karen: Uh, I gotta go. Though I don't know where and I might already be late. Emma: Aw, I'm starting to hate Christmas. Brent (phone): Hello. Hank (phone): Morning, sunshine. Brent (phone): Let me guess. It's four in the morning your time and you're wondering why I'm not open. Hank (phone): Nope. According to my clock it's 9:30 which means you're late for work. Brent (phone): Oh. My glib comment seems less funny now. Hank: I have to admit, the time change was getting a little confusing. Brent: Oh, I don't know if I'd call you a bonehead. Hank: I didn't say bonehead. Brent: Oh, regardless, I'm just glad you switched back. Hank: Oh, I didn't switch back. I moved ahead twelve hours, it's a lot easier to keep track of. Brent: You staying in the same time zone would be even easier. Hank: Yeah, but this way I get to sleep all day when's it's dark. The only downside is I'm up all night. Brent: I wonder if I can move my watch back five minutes before this conversation started. Wanda: Hey. Hank: Hey, what are you doing up so late? Emma: So, that's it. I'm giving Karen the day timer and Davis the shower thing. Oscar: So, just to recap because this could be confusing, for you. Shaving kit, Davis; day timer, Karen; shampoo thing, Lacey. Emma: Or maybe it's better if I give Lacey the day timer, Karen the shampoo thing and Davis the shaving kit. Oscar: Right, shaving kit, Davis; Lacey, day timer; Karen, shampoo thing. Emma: No, I said Karen, day timer; Lacey, shaving kit and Davis, golf balls. Oscar: There's golf balls now? Emma: For whoever gets the shower thing. Oscar: That's Lacey? Emma: No. Oscar: Karen? Emma: No. Oscar: Davis. Emma: Bye. Lacey: Hey. So, I've just been thinking. You know the other day when you came in each saying we were friends, which I appreciate, I just wanted to make sure that you weren't over compensating because we aren't really friends. Wanda: What? No. Lacey: I mean you never really actually said the words "I'm your friend." I know you meant it. Wanda: Of course I did. I don't casually toss around the words like "cohort." Lacey: Yeah, but you never said that you were my buddy, my cohort. I know this sounds silly but I just need to hear you say that you're my friend. Wanda: I'm your friend. Lacey: I know I'm your friend. But am I your friend? Wanda: Yes, you're a friend. Lacey: Oh! See, you did it again! You said "a friend." Technically, I could be anybody's friend. I wanna be your friend. Wanda: You are. Lacey: Are what? Wanda: A friend? Lacey: No. Wanda: We're not friends? Lacey: Ah. Wanda: What a nut. Davis: Hey, Emma. Wanna hear something funny? Emma: Not really. Davis: Well, I was out golfing the other day and I opened up my golf bag and all these brand new golf balls fell out. I thought I didn't have any and then it was golf ball after golf ball... Emma: When's the funny part? Davis: Well, it's not so much funny ha-ha, it's more funny... Emma: Boring? Karen: Hey, guys. What a day. I was doing some cleaning in the basement and I found all these golf balls, oodles of them. It was good. 'Cause now, obviously, I won't need to get any. It would be stupid to get anymore. Davis: Are you sure it was golf balls you found? Because I'm the one with all the golf balls. Karen: Oh, I'm pretty sure it's me. Davis: No, I think if you look again, you'll find a shaving kit in your basement. Oscar: Hey, what's going on? Emma: I'm enjoying Christmas again. Lacey: Whew, have I had a lot to drink. I feel pretty bombed. Karen: You must be. You just used the word "bombed" to describe being drunk. Lacey: Well, I guess I'm gonna get in my car and drive home. Karen: OK, see you later. Lacey: I know it's not safe, but it's not far. You know, that reminds me of that ad, "Somethings don't let somethings drive drunk." You know that ad? Wanda: I mostly watch PBS. Lacey: Friends, friends don't let friends drive drunk. Karen: Fine, I'll drive you home. Lacey: No, I want Wanda to. Wanda: Look, I know you're not drunk. I saw Phil giving you apple juice all night. Lacey: OK. OK, fine, but I cannot believe that you wouldn't even offer. Fitzy Fitzgerald: Apple, apple juice? But I was going drink-for-drink with you. I think I need a lift home. Wanda: Ah, I'll give you a lift, buddy. Lacey: Unbelievable! Wanda: What? You got him bombed. C'mon, slugger. Fitzy: Wanda, you're my best friend. Wanda: Yeah. Karen: What's to argue? It's two hour parking and you were there all morning. Pay the ticket. Hank: This was issued at 11:00am. And because I'm 12 hours ahead, that's actually 11:00pm my time, and parking is free after six. So, technically, my truck isn't even parked there yet. This is harassment. Karen: Little help here, Brent? Brent: Hmm, you've saved a lot of daylight moving ahead 12 hours, haven't you? Hank: Sure have. Brent: Think how much more you'd save moving another 12 hours ahead. Karen: Yeah, it'd be like being on Australian time. Brent: Fair dinkum. Hank: Cool. So, um, for you guys it would be one in the afternoon but for me it'd actually be 1:00pm. I'm in. Brent: Except, tomorrow morning you were parking there too long during the day. Karen: Yeah, you really should have moved your car sooner, tomorrow morning. Hank: Oh. I guess I'll pay the ticket then. Thanks, Brent. Karen: I owe you one. Lacey: Fresh donuts anyone? Hank: No thanks, I don't like day olds. Brent: I'll explain later. Wanda: Hey guys. This is my friend Janice from Weyburn. We're grabbing a coffee. Lacey: Hey there. Wanda: Oh, this is my friend, Lacey. Lacey: We're back! Janice: What? Lacey: I mean, hello. Wanda: And these are my other friends, Karen and Brent. And here comes my good friend, Davis. Davis: See, I'm her friend. Good friend. Wanda: What? Brent: Next time, just say this is everybody. Emma: Well, it's time for the gifts everyone! Brent: Lacey, Lacey! We're opening gifts now. Davis: This is so exciting, I have no idea what I'm getting. Brent: Me neither. Hank: There must be some kind of mistake. All I got were these crappy socks. Oscar: Me too. Wanda: We all got crappy socks. Emma: Are you surprised? Karen: Davis, get your night stick. Davis: I'm on it. Category:Transcripts